What's a Girl Gotta Do??

There is either something wrong with the cosmic forces that control this universe or my perception of things is completely off.

I'm 25 and after years of dating, I thought that I would have gained some sort of insight or knowledge that I didn't have 10 years ago. And for the most part, I think that is true. I don't believe in fairy tales or Prince Charmings anymore. I don't assume that all wayward romances will end in a chase and some sweet, dramatic gesture like they do in the movies. I know I don't have it all figured out but I usually feel like with every passing year and with every new experience, I learn something new and as a result become wiser.

Then, as it has a way of some times doing, life throws me a curve ball. There is someone who I have amazing chemistry with. We can talk on the phone for over an hour about absolutely nothing and have a ball. We have fun doing all kinds of random things together. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry and even though he won't admit it, I know I make him laugh too. We love trying new things together and he's done some of the sweetest things that anyone has ever done for me. We're both incredibly physically attracted to each other and many times, various people have commented on the way we look at each other. But, we're not together and we never were and we never will be.

I'm the kind of person who needs to find answers to questions that puzzle me and I usually can't let something go until I do - no matter how mundane it is. When things haven't worked out with other men, there's usually been a reason as to why it didn't. Some times it hasn't been clear but I've usually been able to find it. I've never been able to find the reason as to why me and him can't be together.

I've tried countless times to convince myself that the chemistry is one-sided but after 2 and a half years, its just not possible to ignore it. I've tried to convince myself that he doesn't really care much at all - that he acts the way he does with me with everyone else. That doesn't work either. The mystery never got solved - I just eventually stopped trying to figure it out.

But now, the old questions have crept back up and they're begging to be answered. Its my own fault for letting him get to me. You know what they say - "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." I'm back where I was 2 years ago and this time the stakes are much higher. We've grown to be good friends - I've come to care about him with almost the same intensity as some of my closest friends. After just 2 years, he knows me better than a lot of people.

I know we won't be together. He won't get on a plane and come rescue me in Paris. He won't chase me to the air port as my flight is leaving. I know he won't climb up the fire escape with roses. And I know I won't get the answer to my most pressing question, which is "why don't you want to be with me?" I already know how this story ends. I know that eventually the questions will get the better of me and they'll keep gnawing away at my mind and my heart until the only solution will be to cut him out of my life. And that's the saddest part of the story because I'll have lost a good friend.

The question that alarms me the most is "If I can't make it work with him, under these circumstances, then who can I make it work with?"